Being bullied in the workplace can lead to self-denial. It is difficult coming to terms with the bullying actions of others. You start to wonder if you are being bullied, is something wrong with you, why are they being mean to you, if you did something wrong, are you alone, and one hundred other things. You may even start looking up information about bullying to try and determine if you are really being bullied.
I have spoken with many people who are being bullied or have been in the past. They have said they were in denial for the longest time. They were making excuses for the bully’s actions, at times justifying how the bullies were treating them.
I was bullied several years ago in the workplace. I tried to block what I knew was going for a lengthy period. I thought if I acknowledged what was taking place, I would be admitting that something was wrong with me, and everyone would see my vulnerability. I always considered myself to be resilient. I have been around people with challenging personalities in the past, but rarely did I have others’ actions affect me so profoundly.
I made excuses for the bullying behaviors towards me. I remember thinking that maybe I deserved what I was getting. I tried to justify being ignored and isolated from my peers. Some of the things I was experiencing included but were not limited to ignored emails or phone calls, decreased contact with me, peers who were aware I was being bullied, stopped talking with me, and assigned a few assignments.
Whenever I would question any of the above actions, I was considered a problem. I thought I worked in an organization that fostered open communication that encouraged a positive questioning attitude. For me, that was not the case. It did not matter how I framed the question or voiced my concerns. I was still the problem. I believed them, not for long.
Victims of domestic violence have similar experiences by their abusers. The abuser will present a strong argument why you are the problem. Like an abuser, a bully will:
- Assassinate your character.
- Embarrass, or belittle you privately and in front of others given the opportunity.
- They will dismiss your feelings.
- They will make you feel like you are crazy.
I remember countless times when I would rewind the whole day to figure out what I was doing wrong. Even though in my heart, I knew I did not, I managed to let bullies in my head. My supervisor and her followers emotionally/psychologically abused me.
“Emotional abuse is loosely described as the ongoing emotional maltreatment or neglect inflicted by one person on another” (Belyh, 2019).
Characteristics of emotional abuse: (2019)
- It involves non-physical behaviors.
- It occurs when there is an imbalance of power in the relationship.
- The abuse is intentional.
- The abuse occurs regularly.
I recall, after years of being bullied, I broke down in tears trying to share the multiple bullying examples with HR and my supervisor. The bully (who happened to be my supervisor) told me that I had emotional issues and need to get help. I was beside myself! At that point, I had my ah-ha moment. My eyes finally opened! It took everything in me to say, “when did you get your psychology degree? I knew then; I would not be able to sustain this psychological abuse much longer.
Bullying and incivility in the workplace can occur anytime, anywhere. I wanted to provide some examples of these disruptive behaviors.
- Purposely isolated from others.
- Undermining your work.
- Withholding information from you
- Making faces, rolling of the eyes
- Socially humiliation
- Derogatory comments
- Put-downs
- Harsh judgments
- Someone else is taking credit for your accomplishments.
- Dismissive behavior by others
- Being used as a scapegoat if something goes wrong.
- Someone in authority abusing their power (supervisor, teacher, more senior family member, etc.)
- Intimidation
- Gossiping
The behaviors described above are cruel and toxic.
The above actions are a way to control you. No one has the right to impose psychological harm.
Relationships are important to me professionally and personally. I have always been the kind of person to be authentic, transparent, honest, and take accountability for any mistakes or wrong. We do not learn unless we are open to feedback and learn from our mistakes. I value these life lessons. I did not break any policies nor was not dishonest about anything; the bullying behavior was more about them than me.
If this is happening to you, talk with someone you trust, whoever that may be. Don’t keep it bottled up. If this is happening to someone you know, be supportive.
If this occurs in the workplace, HR may or may not be helpful; it solely depends on the HR partner. Talking with a professional therapist can also be beneficial. Remember that you are NOT alone.
Helpful Resources:
- https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/get-help-now
- MHA | Mental Health America (mhanational.org)
- https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/bullying/#what-is-bullying-1
References:
- Belyh, A (2019). Signs of Emotional Abuse at Work (and How to React). Cleverism. Retrieved from: https://www.cleverism.com/signs-of-emotional-abuse-at-work/
